COMING

OUT IN '61

I am a 41 year old Black Lesbian Feminist who has been a dyke for 20 years. I was born, raised and lived in the New York City area for 37 years. I've lived in the Bay Area now for years.

Coming out as a Dyke at the age of 21 was an agonizing process. Fear held me from revealing myself. Fear of los- ing family, friends, job and fear of possible legal prosecution. But the o- verwhelming need to "Be," to be whole and at one with myself won out and forced me to start living a Lesbian life- style.

What did it mean to live a Les- bian lifestyle in 1961? For me it meant "Gay" clubs, house parties and dances. It meant meeting others of my kind and feeling at home at last with my Lesbianism. It also meant constant har- rassment by the law with no recourse for protest. It did not mean wearing "I'm a Dyke and I'm Proud" T-shirts, having Les- bian publications, Lesbian support groups or all-women's concerts, where most of the artists are Lesbians. These options are the result of the Feminist movement, and Feminist Dykes have fought hard to enable us to have these options. I guess I appreciate these options so much today, because I remember vividly when these options did not exist. I have therefore made a commitment to maintain and improve the options that do exist and help to create new ones. There I go digressing again. Back to coming out in '61.

A straight male friend of mine in- troduced me to my first Lesbian friend, Terri. She was nothing like the stereo- type "Bull-dagger.' To my amazement, she was just like me, same background and everything. I can't help laughing now when I look back and remember how homophobic I was. I loved and wanted women with such an intensity, but it was so hard to admit it to myself.

Terri was beautiful, intelligent, had a great sense of humor and much pa- tience. She took me under her wing and taught me the "Gay" jargon and etiquette. She had to start at the level of what "Gay" meant, so you know she had her work cut out for her. We cared for one another and wanted each other desperate- ly, but she wouldn't push for a sexual relationship because she felt I wasn't ready. She was right; I was too afraid. Many was the night we would leave each other angry unable to resolve our frus- tration. She eventually became lovers with another woman and although she and

I had a sexual encounter and she brought me out sexually as well as culturally, by that time, she was committed to an- other relationship. I owe Terri a lot. She spent a lot of time, energy and love to help me come out.

Terri took me to my first Lesbian club. The club was located in Harlem and was named for, and run by, a Black Lesbian named Tubby. It was a two-story building, well-decorated, spacious and comfortable. When I entered Tubby's I

felt safe from the hostile, outside world, at last I had found my haven. There were fine, strong, fascinating women, most of them Black, lounging around the room looking very sophistic- ated and worldly.

Tubby had women bouncers, who kept the place orderly and safe. They liter- ally threw anybody out who caused trou- ble. The only trouble the club person- nel couldn't handle was the law. They would come in at will, turn on all the lights, question people, ask for I.D.'s just to intimidate and humiliate us. Although after a raid, many would leave, and those of us who stayed were left feeling frustrated and angry, it also brought us closer together against a common enemy.

After my first visit, I went back to Tubby's often and met other women who invited me into their homes. I was in- vited to dinner parties, cocktail par- ties and just plain get-down parties. met all different classes of Lesbians and enjoyed them all. Close friendships developed and my community grew. I en- tered into laver relationships (one at a time, that is; monogamy was the "norm in 1961) and developed close ties with people I could depend on. After the process was complete, it was wonderful being out in 1961.

C 1982 Joyce Penalver